I Want To Know

I often find myself saying “I want to KNOW.”

“I want to know what to say.” “I want to know how to do this thing.” “I want to know if that will hurt me.” “I want to know if this person is who I’m meant to spend my life with.”

I want to know before I try. But isn’t that the whole idea of a journey? If I knew if something was going to work, or not hurt, or whatever…I wouldn’t have a need for trusting God. I would never experience the adventure of figuring stuff out.

I don’t find myself saying “I want to learn” or “I want to try” or “I want to experience” as much as “I want to know.”

How much have I missed out on because of fear? Because of doubts? Because of uncertainty?

God doesn’t tend to direct us with giant billboards of plain-as-day answers. He gives us clear guidelines for our lives, yes, but He lets us live it. You have to experience it and learn as you go. We are always growing. Always maturing. Falling over and over again…but getting back up, too.

The guys filling in for Dave Ramsey on the radio this morning said this:

“Perseverance wins in all the movies, but it’s patience. Patience is the game changer.”

This really struck me.

I often get impatient when I don’t know what to do, so I do nothing. I like certainty. I don’t like being wrong. I like knowing for sure, before trying.


Dear self, take the leap of faith. Let God teach you in a hands-on, moving forward sort of way. Tell him how you feel. Take the leap.


Past < Present

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I’ve been trying to formulate something to say… while I don’t claim to understand a lot of what people go through, I do have a story of my own. We all have a story.

But the past is not as important as the present, so I won’t dwell on what I went through. All that matters is that I overcame it by God’s strength. The only thing that cured my anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts several years ago, was growing closer to the Lord. Now, on a current day-to-day basis, when the chemicals in my brain become imbalanced due to stress or trauma, and my heart starts to race, I have homeopathics and essential oils on hand. And with some natural supplements over the course of just four weeks I’ve seen a huge decrease in my stress and an increase in my mental clarity.

I’ve been blessed with a wonderful support group of family and close friends who know me and aren’t afraid to poke at my heart and brain when I don’t focus on Christ while I’m in a valley. You are not alone, reader. Don’t keep your thoughts and emotions bottled up inside. I did for far too long and I ended up wounding myself. Never physically, mind you, but sometimes mental wounds run deeper than physical ones ever could.

The important first step is to acknowledge that you are not where you could or should be. The second step is doing something about it. Nothing changes by doing the same thing. Does social media depress you? Decrease or eliminate it in your life for a time. Are you eating food that does not feed your brain but instead breaks down your immune system? Make the changes necessary to feed your body so you have clarity of mind. Are you over working yourself or accepting too many social invitations? Stop wearing yourself thin and give yourself time to rest.

Don’t be overwhelmed by change. Take one thing at a time in bite-sized pieces. You can do it. And you can do it even better with the help of those around you. Don’t shut them out. While some people might be fake and toxic, not all of them are. Be brave.

There are still some days that I want to be a hermit. But I know that’s not how God made me to be. So I have to choose each day to seek Him first thing as a foundation of my day, and be a friend to others when I would rather be alone.

I’m so blessed to have wonderful friends that energize me. That’s a big deal for an introvert like me. I love people. But it’s a struggle to balance my need for people and my need for space.

I am happy and content. God is faithful. But that doesn’t mean life is easy. An anchor off the bow of a ship doesn’t keep it from being tossed by waves. But it keeps it from drifting off and being lost at sea. What is your anchor? Who is your anchor? If it is anything other than Christ, your anchor will not hold. There are valuable things that are links in the chain, such as family, friends, healing supplements, meditation, time spent in nature, etc., But your anchor has to be sure.

I never once doubted the love and protection of my parents. They carry me through everything as long as I allow them. I’m fortunate and more blessed than I could ever express.

Let’s not be embarrassed or afraid to be honest with each other. We all have a story. Your story matters. You matter.

Courage, dear heart.

Planning My Life

I plan my life down to the minute sometimes. I catch myself rehearsing situations, conversations, and even expressions. How silly is that?

When I do this, I set myself up for disappointment.

Because how can I rehearse a conversation without knowing what the other person will say or do? I can’t. I make it up. Not intentionally, but that’s what happens. “If ____ says ____, I’ll say ____.” ~etc.~ This is where disappointment tends to set in.

I build expectations on how conversations and situations could/should pan out, and am let down by the true result. I don’t let things happen naturally as often as I used to. This past week I spent a lot of time with a good friend and everything was organic. It was wonderful. It has inspired me to be myself and accept natural conversation more often.

When I was younger I would sometimes write myself notes on an index card for social events. There would be a list of things to talk about and sometimes even exactly what to say. Part of that was just to aid my struggle in introverted conversationalism, but the majority of that was my checklist obsession. Why can’t I let go of controlling the outcome of insignificant things like casual conversation? If I can’t turn those things over to God, how can I turn over bigger life decisions? I don’t have to be afraid of not knowing what to say. I don’t have to be afraid that I will say the wrong thing. I’m sure I do say the wrong thing sometimes. But I can’t plan out everything. I need to relax a bit more. Thank God for His sovereignty!

What is something you tend to plan a little too much?